xanga.com/Grandmasterfly

CarissaSerie
October 2nd, 2007
<3

Current Mood: happy

For the first time in my life... I'm sprung. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, the alst thing I think about when I go to bed. She's the reason why I look forward to going to school. I'm constantly thinking about her and telling my friends about her. Even my firends said that I have never talked about a girl the way I have with her. I could have the worse day possible, absolutely terrible, and the moment I see her and she smiles back, it makes everything all the better. Like, whenever I'm around her, I just pray I dont mess up or embarrass myself. I just know that this girl is special, I just never tried. I just have a feeling that if we do go out, it would be something special, real special. I'm admitting it, I'm sprung. I'd be crushed if we didnt go out cause I know I'd be letting probally the greating thing slip away from me. Shes the type of girl I can wifey and bring home to my mom. The type of girl I would introduce to my friends and best friends and not ever be ashamed about it, but be proud of. The type of girl that could keep my away from being interested in other girls. Surprinsgly, it's not her looks that gets me here, it's the way she presents herself, the way she is deep down inside. The way she's so innocent, nice, and simply amazing. I really don't want this to be "just another girl." Deep down inside I know that this could be something really, really special. I just hope that it will. I cant believe it but... I'm actually sprung off a girl. Usuall whenever I'm going out with someone or cruching on someone or talking to someone, I'd still talk to other girls. But with her, it's like I'm just so focused on her and that I dont wanna mess up. She gives me that butterfly feeling inside that we all hate. I just cant explain it in words, but this is the best I can.

Current Mood: nervous

It's funny how simple conversations on the phone can lead you to do drastic and unimaginable things. It's funny how one conversation can change your life. What's more surprising is who you were talking with when you experienced that moment. Funny how the people we thought were completely out of our lives are the ones that makes us face it. How the truth can never easily be told. I never meant to lie to all my exes about what truely happened in my past. It's simply something I just don't want to remember. Truth be told, not even my close friends know what truely happened. Do I regret it? I honestly don't. But would I go back and do it all over again? Hell no. I just got a phone call from my past. A past flame that never went on, another life that never happened, a memory of a life I don't want to remember. It's been what? 3 years since I last seen nor talked to her? It was a quick call, only lasted a minute or two. It's what she said that will forever haunt me. I realize now that, if you have something so great, something you don't ever want to lose; cherish it. Cherish the greatest moments of your life, appreciate the gift God gave to you, But do not ever, ever, regret it. Because some day, you will lose it, you'll lose the most important thing to you, the one thing you built your whole life to. Cherishing your greatest memory never diminishes it's value, but regretting it does. Love everything and everyone as if your going to lose it, because you will. It may not happen right away, but it will. The things that makes you happy in life, will one day be the reason for your tears. We only have one life, so why not make the best of it? We all live to love, so why do we experience pain and regret? It's because we didn't love it enough or cherish it's value and meaning. We we're blinded from the start. We never really appreciate anything until the day we lose it. For some of us, we're still living in the past of regret. One person doesn't ruin your life. It's you who let yourself ruin your own life. For me I've always lived by a quote, "It's only one girl." Whenever I got out of a relationship, I'd say to myself, "It's only one girl." Truth is, I've fucked around with houndreds of girls. 90 percent of them I didn't even go out with. Anyway, back to the point. We will always face dissapointment in our lives. Everyone will dissapoint you some point in your life, even the ones you love most. You shouldn't be put down by one person, because there's plenty more out there. If you have something special, cherish it. And don't let it go until your ready to.

Have you ever met someone before and knew they would make a difference in your life. It's crazy how one look, one moment in their eyes, can change your life as if it was an addiction. From the moment you saw them, you knew they were something special. Some of us, let this moment go wasted, never letting themselves have a chance at a miracle waiting to happen. All they have left is "what ifs" and a memory of a possible miracle. --- I'm glad I'm not one of those people. I met this girl at orientation this week for Morse. Simply breath taking. I knew from the moment I saw her, she would be something special, I just knew that fate and destiny had me there. Later that day, I was right. She is something special, simply breath taking. <3 :)

And I know now, to cherish every moment of it, as if I was going to lose it. Someday I will, but we still have memories to write. See this isn't a learning curve for me, this is something that was suppsoe to happen. I'm assuming all the obsticles God put me through, was to prepare me for this. I never felt this way inside, and I just hope it doesn't stop. <3

Current Mood: happy

What I do does not define who I am, but how well I rise after I fall.

"Truth is, I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead, they would invent a character for me. I just wouldn't argue with them."


By now you should know: I've lived a very complicated and confusing life. But here's the catch: No one, not anyone living nor breathing in the world knows about the "other half" of me. All my life I've been a target to this world of stereotype and expectations. I've been expected to be alot of things in my life, a good son, a good friend, a good listener, a gentlemen, a writer, an athlete, a doctor, a caring boyfriend, a good student, a perfect role model, a big brother, just a good person in general.


"Truth is, I've never fooled anyone. They would just invent a character for me. I just wouldn't argue with them."


Truth is, what if I have a side of me that would change the way people would think about me?

my junior year is going to be crazy, and i love it


i gotta deal with APUSH and APBio the whole year actually along with all my other honor classes along with ASB. ASB itself is going to be fun but is going to be quit an experience. ASB alone is going to take up alot of my time. but in detail, first semester im going to be doing volunteer work at paradise valley hospital for community service for college. i start in september and staying untill right before christmas. so thats going to take alot of my time too. that and the whole my parents are moving to temecula and elaving me and my sister here in national city. wait... let me collaborate on that: what i mean is my parents bought a house in temecula about 2 years ago? and weve been throwing away monet for that house ever since it was built because we couldnt find a buyer. so my parents have came to the conclusion that they will move there while me and my sisre go to school here. because i cant leave Morse right now, nto with what i have going on for me right now. so the plan is, im going to finish off high school here and go to college. so me and my sister are going to rent out a room in one of my relatives homes. and on top of all that, i have to managa my own bank account while paying the rent for the first few months. how im going to do that is by working. winter break, spring break and summer break: i have to get a job. i wanted to start wroking this summer but becuse im not 16 yet, i needed a student permit and i coudlnt get one. so yeah. i have alot on my plate this year. but i cant wait!

I'm locking my heart away so it can't hurt me anymore...

everybody said that i was a fool to beleive in faith. fate and hope and dreams. well i got it now theyre just words for foolishness.

i havent undated this in awhile:

"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us? If you could go back and change one thing about your life, would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart? Or break the heart of another? Or would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment? One moment, that you've always wanted back."

I wish i could go back in time and change the moments that seem to be playing my head - over and over and over again. the moments that appear in my head before i go to sleep at night, the moments that will forever haunt me. the moments i always wanted back. the moments that almsot led me to lose my two best friends, the moments that led me out of my own house, the moments that changed my life - for the better or worse. Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change your own ways. But, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did - but, for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say that could've save someone that we cared about. Take Samantha and Ria for example, my two bestfriends, and how the things i didnt say, almost led to the end of our friendship. Life comes at us from out of the darkness. And at times we can struggle to find the courage to face it. I grew tired of not saying anything, so I had to say something. I finally got the courage to talk to them when the days before i just couldnt find the courage nor the words to tell them... say anything to them. That's how bad our friendship went, and i just couldnt being to imagine what things would have been like without them in my life anymore. They were there for me for every problem ive faced, every heartbreak i encountered, and every troubles i faced. I guess the real reason why that happened was because i jsut grew tired of life and i just wanted to elt go of EVERYTHING. i just didnt care anymore. i went out drinking every night, even on school nights. i started hooking up with girls again and leading them on for nothing. i even went to such lengths that i did stuff i never thought i would do. i was taking drugs like ecstacy and speed. i just wanted to forget about all the troubles i was facing. its at these moments in time where we realize that were at crossroads in our lives. and that the choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our lives. so i made a promise to myself to stop this life i was leading. im not gone go to much detaisl but it took me long hours of heavy thinking and apologizing to come back to the way my life used to be, good. wait nevermind, a mess.

i know its weird, why would i want to come back to a life of pain and suffering? if you read my past blogs, you could pretty much say that my life is a mess. theres no one to blame but myself for all this. one of me best friends told me this:

God wouldn't give you these obstacles if he knew you wouldn't be able to get through them. C'mon Rodney, you've felt like this before. I remember you telling me again and again.. I remember us always talking about how worried we were about your cancer, about your knee. Worried about your family struggles. This was.. months ago? Realize.. as of right now, you have been getting through it. You've stayed strong from then on; you just don't realize it. You're still pushing through.. every minute, every second. And the people who care about you are helping you through. I know it's hard making the best of things, especially if you're in a really bad situation. But optimism helps. Don't let the struggles consume you. I know you've been trying. So keep trying.

Keep trying. 2 words im probally never going to forget nor stop doing. i realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive. 'Cause you are, and that pain you feel: it's life. The confusion and fear.. that's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. And that something is worth fighting for. well you see theres this girl, and i know all of you are saying "omg another one?" as you could see im not with any of the girls i posted blogs about. this one, is different. and i know as you guys read that line your saying to yourself, "thats what he awlasy says." even though its true, its different this time. haha againm i know you guys are saying, "thats what you said alst time." but im telling you guys, deep down in my heart i know that i could finally be happy with her. what sucks is that "shes the one i let away" this year there was this girl i almsot went out with, i dont think i told alot of people about this one. but what happened was we were really clsoe to going out, i mean at that point in life i was really happy and i wanted it to stay that way. so what did i do? i turned away. what a hypocrit. i let go of somethign that couldve been great. and im beating my ass about it til this day. she has a boyfriend now, but i dont think shes over me. it all happened a few days ago. everything just jumpstarted. she came with me and my friends out of town for the weekend because shes bestfriends with my guy best friend, justin. her and her boyfriend were having problems and i could see it in her eyes that she still cared about me. the whole weekend was fun and everything but ... let me explain what happened. we all stayed at a hotel for the weekend. we went swimming, shopping, chilling, talking,c ausing trouble. and i need to mention the best thing that happened in the weekend besides ariane: it was kinda like a team hide and go seek thing, let me explain. me, josh, jar and nicole all went to the van to get some stuff for justins mom, when we got back to the lobby justin, ariane, diane, small josh, and arnold sitched us and went hiding around the hotel. and i must say, the hotel was huge! so we got the diea that they were hiding so we went on a 2 hour game of catching the other team. it was crazy, from being masterminds to taking stars instead of elevators becuse their too risky, to using a person that was neutral (ashley) to going to the roof of the hotel, it was definately crazy. after 2 hours and 5 "clsoe encounters" we all gave up, we all were apperently great masterminds of hide and go seek. well anyway back to ariane, i guess it all started that 1 moment where i looked into her eyes and it was one of those, "i saw her soul" moments. after we played hide and go seek in the hotel we all went shopping together. i was dead quit and i usually strayed away from the group to get soem alone time to think. later that night when we were in our hotel rooms we were playing cards and i was doing those card fortune things. after doing everyone elses fortune, i did mines with arian. it resulted with 4 cards... ace of hearts, king of spades, queen of hearts, and ace of spades. and we all knwo what that means: were both feeling each other. the thing is she has a boyfriend and its jsut cards right? when i did her fortune it read that her boyfriend and her werent seeing eye to eye but she was looking at someone else... mhm. later that night i told jsutin to go to the girls room so they could talk about everything while i stayed in the other rooms chilling with eveyrone else. what i found out form justin was that she does still have feeling for me but she doesnt think anything will happen because... its me. she knows i have the tendency to lose interest quickly and willing to give up on a girl. when i did her fortune the next day, i knew she tapped my name and so the fortune coincidentally had 4 cards left: ace of spades, queen of hearts, king of spades, and ace of hearts. the difference here is that were both looking away from each other but we have each others hearts. weird huh? so jsutin confrimed that it was me by asking her. and so i told justin, i really wana try again, i really do. i jsut dont know how to show her im willing to trry again. and thats where i am now, stuck trying to prove my feeling for a girl and that i can be sincere agian and able to be trusted again. ikd know how i will do it. but i will. cause this is something im not gone give up on. ima "keep trying."

"IDA Scott Taylor wrote: 'Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.'"

Current Mood: good

okay i learned today that you should never be afraid to tell people the way you truely feel and that the truth needs to come out before its too late. with that said, ima list names of people whod id like to confess something too. and please can you try your best to contact me or talk to me about this? please. id rather not post them up as a blog because they are a stuff id rather keep personal. so yeah, heres thee list...

samantha j.
katherine s.
kay v.
karen d.
jackeline s.
kelly p.
shelly a.
vanessa a.
alyssa b.
michael s.
haley d.
rubie c.
milissa y.
bryan t.
michelle d.
james f.
mark c.
jay p.
kevin p.

Current Mood: guilty